This is my first time actually typing a post from a computer and not my phone. It’s because I have so much to say to myself and my fingers feel raw from touching the phone screen. I’m actually in much physical pain. My arms feel ‘swoll’ and my right knee is bruised to walking down makes me feel as if I’m on the verge of pulling a muscle. It’s definitely because of skiing the other day and to add to the pain I decided I would join the spin class today and utilized my leg muscle intensely for an hour. It wasn’t that bad. It made me sweat but not as much as I would like. Well, the pain is only temporary but hopefully the strength I’ve gain isn’t.
Winter Quarter began today and I didn’t have class, rather I had work and research. Going to these two familiar things made me realize only I felt different and everyone else had already adapted to the old familiar daily schedule. I thought it would be a bit different, but I quickly fell in line with the same pattern of work. Because things remained the same, I was aware of the changes within myself. This new year I really want to accomplish the lifestyle changes that I’ve always desired. I’ve slowly made these changes within the past few months and just need to continue for, well, the rest of my life (at least most of it anyway).
I was already bombarded with the ‘what’s your future going to be’ type of questions with my family and today was asked again by the professor I work for. I know their intentions are kind and it is really nice that they care. I think it’s a bit funny because they seem to care about my future more than I do. This definitely just made me realize I should care more, or at least show it because I care more than anyone else would ever and because I’m scared, I just don’t want to show it. Funny though, scare and care are only a letter difference. But the point is, I really need to get my act together and do something rather than think and talk. That’s the problem with most of our desires, we only express how we want it, but never really do anything to obtain it.
When people ask me what I plan to do, I often say, “I don’t know”, but it isn’t entirely true. I do know what I want, but knowing doesn’t get me to where I need to be. Because I don’t want people to have expectations for my future, I rather leave them with a dumb response and make them judge me as unambitious, than that ambitious girl who failed at her dreams. I guess you could call me selfish for not sharing my goals with others or a spineless, low self-esteem, prick because it seems like I’m scared to fail. Honestly, I’m not. It’s like falling down after skiing or snowboarding (keep making that reference because it’s just my hype right now), I know even if I fall, I can get back up and try again and in the end will get down the mountain and have the fun and reach the end of the path that I chose to take.
Well it goes to show, I’m just another confused Senior about to graduate who is aimlessly in search for a stable future. Hoping this year isn’t the end of my golden time. Hope there is no end to my golden time. Happy 2014. Go Class of 2014!