Had another chat with my professor at work. Her care about my future and willingness to teach me is starting to overwhelm me a bit and I really am grateful and happy that she is taking her time to talk and question me. I hope she doesn’t think that I don’t want it because I really need it and it is exactly what I need. I’m just so unprepared to dive into the real world and to actually put myself out there to be picked out by a company. I’m afraid my skills and abilities are not sufficient to be eligible for jobs and especially for the job I want. I guess my personality is limiting me a bit, because I am not as out there as many people are. This doesn’t mean my desire and passion isn’t as strong, my approach is just a bit different. I guess speaking out and asking questions is a clear and easy sign of telling that the person wants to learn and to know more. I do want this, I just don’t know how to ask it and I didn’t know I was allowed. I’m just not much of an ask-er, I’d rather figure it out myself and this is probably the exact thing that makes me look like I don’t care. Like she said, there is input but no output. The output is supposed to come from me.
It’s a bit funny though, because in my social group and in my family, being passive is so out of my character. I’m more of the ‘aggressive’ type, but in professional or academic settings, this persona becomes the opposite, I’m that passive and quiet girl that people know nothing about. But can they blame me? The setting is what I adapt to, and since the setting of the work place doesn’t really allow me to talk, how can I? So I just remain silent and keep to myself until there is an opportunity to speak. I’m not scared to or anything, I think they think I am. Sometimes I just don’t know the right words to say or if there are words to say.
Well it’s February now, so that means another month closer to the day I have to go look for a job and be marketable to all these human resource people who would kindly offer me a position with their company. I’ve always had the perception of what can they offer me, but now it’s what can I offer them?