After practicing meditation for about a month now, I feel that I’ve gotten into the groove of it. Nothing exciting happened this week during my daily practice. I tended to doze off into sleep a lot because of my tiredness from the day and lack of sleep from the previous night. When I realize this is happening, I try to stay awake and be aware and I feel that I’m in that limbo state of half consciousness and sometimes would be taken out by the weight of my head falling forward, only to bring me back to an awake state.
I’ve actually been exercising quite a bit this week and discovered new muscles that I’ve never used before in my body. My attempt to exercise using mindfulness has been a fun challenge. It’s difficult at first because I let myself feel tired. As I keep trying to run mindfully, I notice the sensations of the wind against my body and it feels so weird. It made me really I took these simple feelings for granted and that I am lucky to have control over the muscles in my body. Weight training has also made me realize how heavy things are and how physically as well as mentally strong I need to be in order to lift. As a result of working out, I am currently feeling the swelling of stretching and working those muscles. Therefore, there has been an immense amount of physical pain and sensations that I have been experiencing in different parts of my body – my legs, arms, shoulders, back. The body scan that we were taught has really helped endure the ache that comes in at different times and the intensity of the pain is not as strong. Due to the physical uneasiness I’ve been feeling in my legs, it has also been harder for me to stand while meditating so this may explain why I am falling asleep more than usual. However, I have been trying to mindfully observe these physical symptoms and it has been difficult to not let myself just suffer because I feel that being in that state with the pain is just no fun.
I’ve also found the talks and discussion about self-compassion to be extremely helpful. I have really been trying to not be so hard on myself and it has made me feel better. I feel like I am probably my biggest critic and worst enemy, so being able to lessen the hostility and criticism on myself has made me see things in a more positive light. I am realizing that in playing the comparison game, it inevitably leads me to lose because I am the only person playing because it is only me doing the comparing.