I’ve always been a person who prefers doing things on my own and not depending or relying on others to help me. It’s probably due to some trust issues but I also think it’s because I don’t think the dependence can last. For me, even if I can’t do it on my own, I know that at least when I fail, the blame is on me. That way, there is no excuse or way out of the disappointments, but instead, I embrace it and learn from it because it was all up to me.
However, don’t get me wrong here, accepting help and asking for help from others are also super brave traits. These are traits that many times I wish I can easily pick up and use. It seems to make life much simpler, which may be why I don’t because I tend to make things more complicated and challenging for myself. It hasn’t been something I have been comfortable doing . Though, I am learning from every success and failure that it’s nice to have some help. It helps reinforce the idea that I’m not so alone in this world and that being social creatures is a two-way street in which we can move further along if we use it.
Along with this idea, addiction of any sort is something I don’t expect myself to ever cave into. This may also be why I feel I could try new things and do things out of the ordinary, because I won’t attach myself to it. I know this can sound a bit callous, the idea of being able to easily detach myself if I want. I just think that with attachment comes too many complications. I guess I’m much more worried about the consequences and over think these little gestures.
This brings me to the something that I feel every one in this world deals with at some point in their lives. Finding a mate. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. It surprises people when I tell them because I guess at this age, it’s expected that that type of experience has been experienced. But for me, I have never felt that emotion known as “love” for someone. Sure, I’ve had my deal of crushes and crush-ees, but none of that ever mattered. They were all simply small likes and fruitful desires. Call me a hopeless romantic, but sometimes I wish I could fall in love or have some one there that seemed to fit that missing side and fit in with all the curves and dysfunctional thoughts; a real relationship where words go deeper than what is said and looks have more meaning than what is perceived. I guess it’s just difficult for me, because I have preferred to be myself for so long, it’s hard to accept someone unless they are completely the right person for me that not only fills the missing spot I never felt I needed to fill but takes on the spot with a bright and alluring light in my life. I can’t just settle for any guy that goes for me. If I don’t feel comfortable with them or if I can’t have a stimulating conversation, then I don’t think it’s worth the attempt. I’d think I would be more comfortable on my own. Are these the same thoughts many of us single people who are in the search have too?
I just often wonder if there is someone out there that can fulfill all of the desires I never knew I had, someone out there that can make me learn more about this world and the many interesting people out there, someone who I can feel absolute comfort with in silence or in conversation, someone I know I don’t need to say or express my adoration for but understands it completely, someone I can just simply be happy seeing and listening to at anytime, someone who understands what I’m saying even if I’m not saying it, someone I can love and I can trust to be my friend forever.
I’m just in that stage of my life where I feel like finding myself and my future also means finding someone that can find me. This makes me depend on another person and this is what scares me the most; that dependence. I don’t want to lean on it, but I feel like sometimes I have to and as long as I can find someone who doesn’t let me feel like this, but is actually someone I depend on, I guess I can be okay.
I’ve never been comfortable expressing this part of my life, relationships and love and all of that. But I am starting to feel it necessary because I can no longer hide it in my shell and act like I don’t want it or need it. I just want to be honest with myself. I’ve had the comfort of myself for so long, and now I want to share it with someone who can appreciate it.