I’ve been thinking about a friendship I lost a few years back. Initially, I had thought that I had nothing to do with losing this friend and that it was all up to her. I realize now that it was exactly the nothing I did that help fueled the fire to extinguish our friendship. She acted immaturely first, but I matched this same level with my immaturity and let pride get in the way of trying to reconcile a friendship. It’s really over nothing and superbly trivial and I feel that we both see it now after so much time has passed. In the same way time has passed, the moment to repair the friendship has gone and now it is just an acquaintanceship that we have.
The reason I decided to write about her or even been thinking about her is probably because somehow, she has popped in my life and I can’t help but be curious about how her life is going. From what I seem to know, I also can’t help but compare our lives. I’m not sure if I just want to beat her or if I am genuinely curious. I think it’s because I want to beat her, the same competitive attitude I had in high school where I wanted to be the top alpha in my group of friends. Being the best. Right now it even saddens me to think that she is doing better than me. However, I am a total jerk and narcissist for thinking this. This is exactly the person she was, the one who always expected to be better than me that I didn’t like. I realized this after our friendship. I didn’t really like this trait of hers because a true friend will never put you down or put their expectations of you lower than that of theirs, but this is what she did. I clearly remember a few times when she was surprised by my better successes than hers. True friends shouldn’t be surprised, rather, supportive and excited about your successes. I know it’s difficult not to compare and envy others for their well-doings, but if you truly cared about the person then you totally should understand that they deserve what they get and should be nothing but cheerful for their achievements. After all, we like to share our successes and achievements with our friends in hopes that they can celebrate and feel the happiness with us, not to bring them down or make it a competition. Although, it could be a rather motivational thing when a friend is doing things they want and is achieving them because you want to do things to share with them too.
Nevertheless, this post isn’t mean to be negative. I am actually happy to have experience this not so great experience because it has really helped me understand the friendships I want to have and develop in my life. I mean, she still was part of my life and possibly could come back in as a friend but without the past teaching me something, I would still be the same young me that didn’t know what friendship could mean.
And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I hope I can remember to cherish and show my gratitude for those around me and that are a part of my life. I never express my appreciation for them but I hope that they know I’m grateful to have them as witnesses of this beautiful, sometimes dull, and sometimes gray, life.