And I’m a hypocrite..

I just can’t seem to get myself to do something I really want to. It’s just an approach, but hiding is just easier. It’s as if all the confidence I’ve ever had decides to hide and run away while cowardice takes over. Why am I so scared? I have to take some action or I’ll just put this in my bag of regrets too. I’m already awkward and I know that so why am I trying not to be. Just do it. Too many un-taken chances and too much yearning for those chances I’ve abused.

One of the reasons I’m pushing myself to approach this person is to show that I am strong. I want to show myself that I can do this and that I am a changed person. I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t do anything and simply accept what life hands her. I don’t want to sit around and expect things to just happen for me. I want to be able to make things happen on my own. I’m tired of hearing that I’m lucky, that every thing that I have gotten is because I’m lucky. It makes me feel like I haven’t worked for it. I’m just lucky. That’s no way of living. I can’t just depend on this so-called force of luck to drive my life. But for some reason, the strength I’ve always thought I have seems to vanish just as quickly as the opportunity comes. I care too much about something that is holding me back and I don’t even know why or how it’s affecting me so much. I just want to be able to present myself with confidence and not care so much about what impressions I might make. I keep saying that to myself that I don’t care what others think, but by not being able to simply approach someone, I am lying to myself.

I want to be able to speak up in different situations, to voice my opinions. Instead, I hide in my corner and let others talk while I listen and never share the thoughts that form in my mind. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, to listen. I love listening. It helps me learn. Sometimes though, I wish I can be the teacher as well because sometimes I feel people are talking too much and they never give themselves the opportunity to have their opinion swayed. It really baffles me that I have this problem. In my group of friends, I am the talker, the one that voices her opinions and probably even too much at times. I can’t seem to be that person in my work or academic situations though. I think it’s because I’m too scared that I will get judged by them. “Them” the people I’m not comfortable with but more intimidated by. How can I let this feeling of inadequacy go? This is who I am as well, a person with opinions who isn’t afraid. I just can’t seem to exhibit it in clearly at times. Just be stronger and not think too much.

Chances and opportunities are limited. People can only see what is presented to them.


About Lynn Vo

I am just another mind with a laptop and fingers that type out the thoughts that invade my brain. I like to share these thoughts because it's extremely selfish of me to keep these thoughts open to only one person who has access to it. Share your thoughts with me and I'll keep them safe.
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