Desire is the source of my suffering, to everyone really. I just started to want something and it’s been making me super anxious. I want it, I want to have it, I want it now. But all of the want is hard to make happen, especially when I want it. I’m consumed with my desire and it is aching my brain and my heart. I’m so scared to want it because if I don’t get it, I know how much pain and sadness it will leave me. I’m also scared that if I say it out loud or express it out loud, I won’t get it. Like there’s a jinx. I don’t want people to know what I want because if I don’t get it, then it’s like them seeing me fail. Is it failing though? To not get what you want? If it isn’t, then what is it? I’m not sure what it is but I know this time, I really want it because I can’t stop thinking about it and I can actually visualize and imagine what I can do, and just imagining it makes me smile and warms my heart. I’m scared to think about it too, because the more I think about it, the more I feel like it will just be what it is, thoughts and imaginations.
I realized I never want anything that badly before. I came close to wanting things this badly but it has never been mine and I’m scared this is just one of those things too, and I don’t want it to be.