It’s that time of year I stress about how fast time has passed and feel anxious about what the future will look like. This year, I’m especially more anxious because I decided to apply to grad school. Though I have quite the low confidence of an acceptance, I still have high hopes for a change. I’ve been letting it consume my thoughts. The possibilities of all aspects of my life being changed, given just one opportunity. Again, I will be able to transition and gain a new, more permanent lifestyle. I think this is what I fear the most. I fear stagnant, but I also fear the extreme change. I’m not sure which one I prefer. I guess my preferences changes with time.
I know I’ll be okay no matter the outcome. I have a win-win case. Nevertheless, one win seems it may escalate a series of prideful wins. I like winning.
Despite all of these things I tell myself in order to keep me from feeling disappointed regardless of where I end up, I can’t shut these thoughts and anticipation of how great it would be to get accepted. That’s the painful part. I’ll create all these expectations in my head and I have no control of bringing it into my reality. I have to hope and basically rely and wait on the views of others. It’s so unstable and frightening, dependence on others.
I’m learning to embrace the idea that if I want something enough, I will find my way to get it. Even if my way may not be a conventional way, a simple way, a pretty way, or even a sensible way, it’s a way that will get me to where I want to be. Sometimes people who take the conventional ways don’t end up where they want to be anyway. Being is a state of mind that only you can fulfill. I think as long as we learn from all the experiences in our life, we are always winning. Knowledge is the reward.