So I recently connected with an old friend from elementary school. I reached out this time. I was motivated to reconnect since I ran into two old faces during the Thanksgiving break. I’m just so surprised by who people become. That feeling of nostalgia and reminiscence emerged again.
Anyhow, I kind of decided to do this in addition to the sheer decrease in friends at home. I kind of wanted more reason to go back other than family. It’s been nice getting in touch with him and revisiting the past. We only knew each other in elementary and a bit again in highschool. He actually helped me learn and reinforce my self-perception. He told me I was blunt in elementary school. I’ve known myself to be blunt for a long time now. I even wrote about this realization for my college applications. It was in 4th grade, when the teacher aide used the word “vocal” to describe me in his acronym poem. I just thought it was interesting that even other people saw that, especially at that age.
I also finally reunited with my main three friends from home and it always makes me feel grateful and appreciative of our lasting friendship. Though a short reunion, endless conversations and updates on our lives imminently took place. We had a girl’s night out, and I am always appreciative of that, especially when my friends are in relationships. I’m glad that they are able to detach themselves for a bit from their significant others to spend time with me or just other people. It just shows how much I also mean to them. I feel like when people can do this, it shows that my friendship with them is still valued. It just shows that there is not a whole dependency on one thing. We had a fun time dancing the night away, being silly and just sharing the experience.
I’m just constantly surprised by how much they’ve grown. They are friends I’ve known since middle school and even elementary. I also envy them a bit, because I feel like I’m stuck in the same place sometimes, especially in the realm of romance and relationships. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and a lot more now, probably because in my different circle of friends, topic of conversation always shift to the relationships in their lives.
Maybe it’s a part of my competitive spirit, but I feel like I’m losing in this arena. I am losing out on an experience for sure, at least in terms of time I’m losing because I’m taking my time to get there. It scares me too, especially because of the thought of the inevitable pity that my friends will develop in response to my maintanence of a single lifestyle. They all have different opinions about me, but in the end I don’t think they realize that I do want this too, but I really don’t want to settle on just anybody to fulfill these expectations or position in my life. Because that means that my expectations are also settled and that’s just not fair to them or even me. But, I’m actually going back and forth on this a lot. Some people just tell me to try it because you never know. I agree, but the feeling of using others doesn’t appeal to me. I’m actually quite open to the idea, it’s just really hard to get the person to align with the idea.
I also went out with my other group of friends recently and upon meeting a new friend on the dance floor who introduced me to her friends, one of my friend just had to point out that there are a lot of guys. It’s like she’s pushing me to find someone and it bothers me. She just got into a relationship. I get bothered by her push because I feel like she thinks I need someone to make me happy. I don’t like that. I feel like people in relationships think they are happier than single people, and that is so far from the truth. I’m not sure if she thinks she’s happier than me, but it kind of feels that way. I understand she wants the best for me and for me to be happy, but I don’t think she understands that I can be happy in other ways too. Maybe it’s also my stubbornness in rebelling in whatever it is that people want me to do.
I feel like I’m complaining a lot about relationships and society’s expectation to find love and romance this past year. It feels like a constant drag. I really don’t want it to be, but I also feel like this is the case for most people and it’s a reoccuring struggle. It affects anyone at any age. I don’t want these expected desires to consume me, but I feel like I’m letting it. Even this post, which is meant to discuss the road down memory lane led me to write about relationships. I guess I really have to face the reality that all my friends will one day have significant others and I can’t rely on them to make time for me then. That’s why I guess it’s important for me to find someone, too. I just need someone that’s willing to make time for me and be excited to hear my stories and me theirs.