This is to anyone who has brought significant presence into my life, despite the amount of time, and taught me something, but has left me just as quickly as they entered: an acquaintance who experienced life with me but we never got a chance to exchange thoughts, a friend who grew up with me, a potential romantic interest, a person who made our paths more interesting with their insights. Life is filled with people who come and go, but I want you to know how your coming and going affects your existence in my mind.
I hope your disappearance is only one-sided, that you have an invisibility cloak and are just hiding from me. I hope that because I am selfishly wanting to believe that my existence matters, even at the lowest level of importance, to you as yours does to me. I hope that you at least thought about our encounters, have some impression of me, think about me when something we shared comes up in your life, and wonder if I’m still here. Not knowing if you even care about my existence is what bothers me the most.
To those that I have been fortunate to share more than a few conversations with and exchange different aspects of life, I always wonder if those things we talk about resurface when you experience it later in your life, as it does for me. I learned a lot from our conversations and I would like you to know that I listened to your words and I still hold on to them because they made me feel connected to you. Like with those late night conversations about marriage and life and who would we invite to our special day, are the people we once thought we would invite the same? Am I still one of those people to you? Will you come to my special day if I invited you? Or like one of those deep conversation about the balance of life, do you still think about those things? Have you found the balance? Would you tell me if you did? Would you be happy if I told you I think I’ve found it? My significance in your lives are probably not as it once were, and that’s probably why it makes me feel so nostalgic. The fact that none of you no longer exist in my life when I felt I was once at least someone you trusted, shared thoughts with, and put in effort in trying to know, it feels that my existence and me, myself, was just not enough to be kept.
In the same way you have decided to not be in my life anymore, I want to decide that I should probably let you go, all of you. I’ve let you take part of my mind for too long when I rather you take part of my reality. However, you chose not to exist in my reality and I can’t force you. I could have tried, but my efforts have been hindered by the never-ending stream of worst case scenarios. My longing for the possibility that you were just on vacation from my life is starting to be too far to reach and I am exhausted from the overexertion of hope that has taken up my courage to actually reach out in reality. I am much too cowardly to face the possibility that you forgotten about me. I’m scared of giving you this notion of social power of having upperhand that makes me feel weak. This open letter is enough to make me feel like you’ve won a battle you didn’t even know I made you part of and even that, I have already lost. However, my vulnerability only exists in my mind if I actually never take action so that is how I try to regain my triumph. But in the end, I lose because I am the only competitor.
I think about the scenarios that we do meet again. Somehow by chance we will physically be in each other’s presence. All of the scenarios I can imagine is me feeling happy to see you again, but never actually know what the conversations will consist of. Do we update each other about what we’ve been doing all this time? Does it matter to either of us? After that, what happens next? Are you going to be in my reality again? This is probably the part I fear the most, that even the reach out and my effort for your re-entry into my life, life reverts to the same as it does now because we’re not worth each other’s time anymore. Except after this reconnection, I will have even more to evaluate about what went wrong and how come you still want to disappear from my life.
This is my way of expressing effort to show you I do want to reach out, I really do. But you should know, I am scared. I’m scared of you and your reaction. It’s so dumb and regrettable, but my pride can’t take the social humility that you may have for my efforts. I choose to hide in the shadows where you left me and I am fully aware of how despicably stupid this decision is and how I will regret it more and more in the future. I just can’t help but think that you would feel this way too and somehow that makes it okay for me to stay here, silent, because you are there too. It’s a stupid game I am playing in my head, the game of pride and how I want you to take the action because I have too much pride to do it. The game where I think I’ll be winner if I put in less effort, this awfully foolish game has led me to continue these regrettable non-actions. If I can finally escape the amount of pride that has weighed me down, I may be able to fulfill these actions but I have yet to gain the courage for escape or to take it off me. Time is also another factor that has made this courage harder to obtain and the weight heavier.
I know I think too much and that’s the cause of my downfall in all types of relationships. I only think and think too hard, but never actually do anything about it. I make my relationships into a type of battle where I feel the need to win by obtaining power through impressing that I am the one who care less, but I’m actually the one who cares the most. I just hope that you knew me enough to see through all the bullshit I’ve piled on in our relationships. I hope you see I did and do care.
This letter is all about how I am feeling because it is extremely difficult for me to ever express this much honesty with someone. I know I am selfish because I cry about you disappearing from my life when it may be that I have done the same because I just let it happen. It’s a two-way street and I have let it open, but never actually took the path down. I write this letter because I want to know the reasons why you have decided to let me go from your life. My curiosity makes me vulnerable but I sit here thinking I should just respect your decisions, but I can’t help but want to clear up your perspectives involving me.
I just wanted to let you know, that I do care and you are in my thoughts, that I am open to having you in my life again, that I am here and you can come back to me and I will not think you are foolish or weak. I just fear that it’s not mutual, so I can’t be the one to reach out. As much as I would like to be part of your life to enjoy the best things with you, I do hope that you are happy where you are or learn to be happy where you are. I do want to thank you. I want to thank you for leaving me as early as you did before I got too attached to you being in my life. I thank you for coming into my life and teaching me something and being someone I miss because that means you were once significant to me. You mattered.
All the best with my heart,
A person who misses you.